I'm looking for a job - all summer I've kinda kept an eye out but not actively sought... I had the time and was still getting paid for my other job and I was in no real hurry... but now that school's started I've been looking more actively - I've filed my unemployment claim and I am finding that this is almost impossible. What does a woman do who can do so much yet do nothing at the same time? I'm feeling overwhelmed and it's scaring me. I don't like being scared - and I can't be scared because it's only me... only me keeping all this together - only me and two people are looking to me to handle it - two people who don't need to worry and wonder - so it's only me. And no one else can fix it - only me.
And all I can keep thinking is only me... I'm having a pity party I know - I'm playing to role of martyr - Joan of Arc, tied to the stake, fire under her feet. BUT DAMN IT! All those years I could have been preparing for this - all those years I could have been anticipating it I was running around ... I couldn't without causing more stress... I couldn't without even more added pressure ... and they were smaller and needed me more and she's still not old ENOUGH - but I don't have a choice... all my choices suck...
And I keep praying - praying and praying and praying - not for something to drop out of the sky - not for someone to handle it but for a direction, for strength and still nothing - He's not listening again... I felt like He used to listen but since the issues with depression and the affairs I just felt like He stopped and I've hoped He hasn't but I'm not so sure now - not so sure....
All of the paper work and descriptions and words involved with finding a job is making me nuts - and nothing seems easy and I wonder how anyone ever finds a job because man o man o man this is crazy. And my head feels like it's gonna explode and today I can't stop crying.
And I'm alone. And that makes it worse 'cause there just isn't anyone, no one smiling at you. It's cold, all around me it's cold... no warmth, no love, no understanding. And I can't stop crying and it makes it harder to focus and it makes me more afraid and it feels like it's never going to change - so much has happened in the last year - too much - and I'm wondering when does too much become the last straw? When does too much start to break a person? I keep thinking I can't take much more and then more happens... so what then? When does it end?
And all I can keep thinking is only me... I'm having a pity party I know - I'm playing to role of martyr - Joan of Arc, tied to the stake, fire under her feet. BUT DAMN IT! All those years I could have been preparing for this - all those years I could have been anticipating it I was running around ... I couldn't without causing more stress... I couldn't without even more added pressure ... and they were smaller and needed me more and she's still not old ENOUGH - but I don't have a choice... all my choices suck...
And I keep praying - praying and praying and praying - not for something to drop out of the sky - not for someone to handle it but for a direction, for strength and still nothing - He's not listening again... I felt like He used to listen but since the issues with depression and the affairs I just felt like He stopped and I've hoped He hasn't but I'm not so sure now - not so sure....
All of the paper work and descriptions and words involved with finding a job is making me nuts - and nothing seems easy and I wonder how anyone ever finds a job because man o man o man this is crazy. And my head feels like it's gonna explode and today I can't stop crying.
And I'm alone. And that makes it worse 'cause there just isn't anyone, no one smiling at you. It's cold, all around me it's cold... no warmth, no love, no understanding. And I can't stop crying and it makes it harder to focus and it makes me more afraid and it feels like it's never going to change - so much has happened in the last year - too much - and I'm wondering when does too much become the last straw? When does too much start to break a person? I keep thinking I can't take much more and then more happens... so what then? When does it end?
1 comment:
I'm looking for a magic wand, and when I find it, I'm heading straight out there...
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