It was the second belly dancing class... more shimming, this time with the shoulders and she said - I kid you not - it is okay to shake the "girls" and I laughed 'cause I got a whole lotta "girl" to shake - we got our coin skirts tonight too! I picked out a lavender one with silver coins. It's so pretty! Belly dancing is really more difficult than I thought it would be. Oh, please don't get me wrong, I didn't think it would be super simple but I didn't realize that shaking your hips is really not about shaking your hips - it's more about pushing hips down and bending knees. It's a lot about disjointing body parts and moving them in fluid but separate motions. It's been good exercise - and hey, is it bad to say my favorite part is all the stretching we do before and after?
So on to the real topic for this evening:
Ok, it's like this - I'm not in a bad place or a bad mood - I just can't shake this feeling of dread... like something is hanging over my head, hovering, waiting - and I don't know if it's bad or good - I suspect bad, but don't know for sure. I'm anxious, about what I'm not sure... I just am - and I thought it would go away but it hasn't - and I'm just trying to wait it out.... but it's sorta hanging on and I don't know if it's me being paranoid or intuitive.
This date is looming, maybe that’s it? Although I’ve not really thought much about it other than what I’m going to wear – I truly have no expectations whatsoever about it – no thoughts that this is something promising for the future – it’s one evening – that’s it. Or maybe it’s concerns for a friend (or two) who I’ve been worried about… but those are others, not me… and this – this is some kind of something to do with me… like there’s a huge change coming or I’m slowly realizing it’s never gonna change and this is what giving up feels like... I don't know.
I'm not the hard-ass-I-don't-need-nobody-mz independent-loner I think most people see me as. The therapist and I talked about that - talked about how while I might not be that it's quite possible it's the persona I project. I don't disagree with her, I've thought of that myself, but... but... but... I'm not so sure I've had much of a choice in the matter. I'd love nothing more than to have a soft place to land... a warm hand to hold... a strong shoulder to lay my head on once in a while - but like I've said before, it's not just not been "in the cards for me" right now, and it might never be... and I think, when I feel like I do right now, that it becomes more painful that I don't have someone to just share it with - not fix it, not make it go away - just share it with...
I have a wonderful friend - a woman I used to work with - she's an artist - a beautiful woman with a wonderful spirit. She had a really rough marriage, abusive in many ways, even if he never physically hit her (which it's possible he did, I'm not sure). One day she left him, just walked out the door, leaving a lot behind. For years now she's been alone, afraid to open herself up, let someone else in... even though I've had a feeling for a while now she'd be someone who would find it all... be the happily ever after - and well, she recently reconnected with someone she knew thirty+ years ago (she's in her late 50's). I've never seen her happier! She said she doesn't know what's going to happen - doesn't know where it's necessarily headed - but she said to feel this wonderful again - to have hope and love and promise after having so little... she said it feels like a gift - and she doesn't want to overlook the blessing by being afraid. She said to me something akin to what the therapist said a while back.... the therapist said connecting, truly connecting with another person, is a rare and wonderful thing... she said it's not something to take for granted - when we find it, when we're blessed enough to experience it, we shouldn't ignore it. So I wish for my dear artistic friend a future of unfathonable love and hope and promise...
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