Transitions

After writing this I reread it and decided it might not make a whole lot of coherent sense but it's ok because it does to me - and for right now I can't quite compartmentalize all that I'm thinking or feeling at the moment and so it comes out jumbled - and I'm going to leave it like this because I really don't have the energy to change it and I really wanted to post it - post something... get it out of me so I can start letting it go -

I'm sitting here, still in bed, Sunday early afternoon. I should be leaving church about now, but I've been a very slack, unmotivated Presbyterian girl, and I realize that actually, the way I'm feeling, is really the absolute perfect time for me to be in church... but I'm not and gee, I'm sure I'm paying some sorta of cost for not doing so - not really that God punishes for such things, 'cause I see a lot of folks living lives that don't involve church attendance and they seem to be livin' perfectly happy content little lives. That's not the point though I'm sure... the point, however, truly escapes me - and it's a pretty sad state to be 43 and have no friggin' idea what is up or down, right or wrong, good or bad. I somehow can't escaped this feeling that I should know by now and I just don't and, well... if I say this please don't call 911 on me, but really, if I don't know right now then what's the point? We'll revisit this in a moment...

The weekend has been a weekend. I had my monthly mani/pedi yesterday. I do love going and I like the idea I'm taking care of my body in a way. The feet are smooth and callous free and my hands don't have hang nails and my nails are neatly symmetrical. A while back, when I was going through the very beginnings of all this divorce stuff people would tell me to do certain things - hang out with girlfriends, get mani/pedis, concentrate on myself, don't have too many male friends... and guess what? I've done all that but still, the same bullshit remains... and what's so funny is that all the folks telling me to do these things, all the folks offering this specific sorta advice, are all folks not doing this sorta stuff themselve! And yeah, don't tell me to go to therapy because HA! if you read this blog you know I'm already there... and I'll talk more about that later too...

So it's the weekend - and yesterday I got my mani/pedi and I prior to that I got ant killer and spread it around on the mounds that have appeared after all the rain. We have these wonderful fire ants down here and gee, well... you don't dare step in a mound because they will bite the fool out of you and leave little whelps all over... which I have a few dozen of on my feet from stepping into a mound two weeks ago. I also picked up BBQ for dinner because Saturday was football day - and well... who wants to cook when you can watch FOOTBALL! So we ate BBQ and we watched the game (go Cocks!). The other big accomplishment of the day was a bit of home repair. For some reason Friday night the light switch in the bathroom broke and would not turn the light off... so I bought a new switch and yesterday afternoon son and I shut off the power to the bathroom (which took a little trial and error.. none of the breakers were labeled) and he replaced the switch. It worked, no one got electrocuted and now the light will shut off and on! I was a little concerned about how I was going to handle that - typically ex did all that sorta stuff (and I will be damned if I called him to help out) and I figured I would have to call someone and then I remembered single dad is an electrical kinda guy and I thought I could call him but then son and I figured we'd give it a try and well... success... we were pretty pleased with ourselves. We tackled it like we've tackled most of these little annoyances: a few jokes, some laughter and a high five afterwards.

For all the shit I've endured - all the loss I've faced - I have the kids - we've worked together - we've figured it out - and if I don't leave them anything in this life at least I leave them a sense of Manifest Destiny... bastardized as it may be... but we've endured and forged ahead, perhaps even divinely inspired - because we know nothing else, we don't give up. While my life may be less than perhaps I want it to be, what sacrifices I've made will help them make their lives more than they could have imagined. There is a formula to life... to living... and I may not have been smart enough, disciplined enough, fortunate enough, to follow that formula, at least my children can... and be better for it. Once the time has passed you can't go back... just best to do it right the first time. I didn't, and I've paid for it. Paid dearly.

But yeah, transitions - they suck... and I don't do them well at all, funny - you'd think I'd had so many I'd be a pro at them by now. I feel like I'm in the middle of a new one and I just got done with the last one and I was hoping for a little status quo before beginning again - but it's not to be. Sometimes I think, best to just let it all go at once... best to just let go of all expectations, all connections - don't look to anyone or anything, because what's the line? Nothing gold can stay? So yeah - it's done. Loss, loss, loss, loss, loss.

Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay

And no... if you, you who likes to think of himself as first, reads this - it isn't about you.