Here...

It's been a cold, quiet, wet day... a hard rain occasionally breaking the silence with an urgent pelting at the window. It's Friday... a day to sigh, breathe out, unwind. I'm tired and anxious for sleep - a respite from the running of the week, thankful for being able to end on another high note - a soft success....

I've been feeling differently lately... perhaps it's the work, the movement, the concentration. I've found a point of peace, a place that seems sustainable. I don't have all I want - the job is taking a little longer to procure than I had hoped and I still feel like I have some things I have to juggle. But I've settled into something... I don't think it's a resignation... I don't think I've given up... I've sorta let go of some stuff, but other stuff still lurks - I'm not so much afraid of the lurking stuff anymore - I think I was but I've somehow come to a place where I figure it all has to have a point - a purpose - and maybe, perhaps, I'm just too tired to stress over it now. Who knows? I sure don't. Anyone else?

I think, maybe, I've let go of the urgency. A year ago I wanted it all fixed - I'd been through the hell, I'd survived it and I guess I figured I'd earned my stripes, so to speak. I'd have these conversations with God - they'd go something like this: Ok God... I did it, it's hurt - but I did it, I've faced it, I've kept moving forward even though I just wanted to stop and crawl into a ball... so now, God, I'm ready... I'm ready for all the good... I'm ready for the blessings ... so bring 'em on (head back, eyes closed, arms outstretched). And then nothing (one eye slyly peeking open). Ok... deep breath (eyes closed tightly again). And still nothing... but I don't feel that way anymore - oh I'm still waiting - and slowly things have happened... blessings appearing... fog lifting - the road ahead of me a little clearer... but it's all not there yet - not yet in crisp, vibrant focus. The difference now may be that I'm not "actively" waiting.... I'm no longer Linus sitting in the pumpkin patch, cold and shivering in the dark of night. I've come in to wait in the relative warmth and comfort of a sheltering place.

I admire all those people who've been able to just proactively find what they've wanted. Those folks who've been able to just set their minds on something and make it happen. It's not been that easy for me. I'm not sure why - perhaps there is a reason, perhaps my moment's not arrived yet. And I am happy for all those who've found it... I really am. It's hard being the one left behind though. It's hard knowing that wonderful exists... knowing it's out there but being unable to wrap my arms around it, unable to touch it, unable to settle into its warmth - it's hard knowing it's waiting for me too, longing for me, missing me. There has to be grander plan... if I don't hold onto that - if I don't have that faith then I'm sunk... I'll drown - and I can't do that now... not now. It's been much too long and hard a road.

I was so caught up in holding what I never thought I'd find...