Spring 2010

Spring has sprung - that's for sure - it was an absolutely beautiful day. That was a blessing since dance picture week started today. The girls all had to dress like bridesmaids in honor of the studio owners wedding coming this fall. We lucked out and Holly had a dress Rebecca could borrow. It looked lovely! I had the flower shop next door to the office make a small bouquet of flowers and she was set... beautiful.

We go back to the studio on Thursday for the second wave of pictures. I'll let y'all know how it goes.

I had my eye exam today. I've had a hard time finding an eye practitioner I like. We used to go to this guy who was wonderful - and then he retired - and the fellas who took over his practice are fine, good doctors, but the subscribe to the patients as cattle mentality. You get there and wait... and wait... and then they take you back and you wait some more. Since I work on the town square I've noticed a eye doctor there and I thought it would be an easy place to access. I went today and they were wonderful. It was a full exam but it flowed and I was done in less than an hour - even having my eyes dilated. I picked out a new pair of frames and they are putting bifocal lenses in them - it was time. Perhaps now I will wear my glasses more often as opposed to just wearing my contacts. He has me wearing a different kind of contact and he's playing with the strength to make up the difference in the old age eye thing going on with me - you know, the fact that I can't read or see things up close too clearly. So far it's ok, I can tell my eyes are adjusting. The doc said he doesn't like bifocal contacts... he said they are thicker and less comfortable, in general, and he said they are very expensive. So we're trying this... All I know is thank goodness for the insurance - the bill was outrageous, but really manageable with the insurance.

And so I'm exhausted... ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

The culmination of an off the wall conversation between mother and son this morning, all about cutting brownies -

Joshua: Well mother, you're definitely special...

Me: Awwwwww.... how sweet!

Joshua: ...but that doesn't mean you're not also crazy...

I've never felt more loved :-)

Kinda Cool

Ok, as we know competition season is just days away and, well, I take pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. Tonight was dress rehearsal and while it wasn't as polished as it will be on Saturday, they did wear costumes and we did do some make-up. Hair, well... um... not so much. We'll work on that more Friday night while staying in the hotel in Asheville. I am not getting up Saturday morning at 4 just to get it all done and us to Asheville by 8. Nope. Not gonna happen. Another reason I'm very grateful that my financial house isn't bleeding money anymore! It's nice to book a room and not worry about how I'm going to pay for it, ya know?

So here are a few pictures - I thought they were kinda cool.

This Year's Selection

To your left is the pointe costume for this year. They are dancing to Roxanne, but not the Police version - the Moulin Rouge version - which ends up sounding very tango-ish, Spanish feeling. It's caused a little stir around the studio because of the lyrical content of the song but hey... whatever.

To your right are the two costumes for her tap/jazz class. There is the black and gold number for, what else, Black and Gold - this years jazz dance. The black and teal dress is for tap and I don't know the name of the song at the moment. It starts out being very old fashioned jazz style and then breaks into a modern hip hop sorta song.

Costumes were once again quite expensive - but what did we expect, right? These are only three of the seven. But hey - I had no problem paying for them this year. Life is good - see, what have I been tellin' y'all? It's definitely nice having enough money to take care of stuff like this - dance costumes and competition fees, spring registration fees for school, washer and dryer... it's nice to buy stuff when we run out and not stress about budgeting for it. We run out of shampoo, I just stock up... toilet paper, paper towels, trash bags.... dog food, cat food... same thing. For a while I had to be careful with money - don't get me wrong, I still have to be careful but I have breathing room these days - and boy did I need it.

This weekend is the first competition of the season - more pictures to follow soon... :-)

Hidden Rooms/Big Dreams

Ok - I had some mistakes... which I fixed - so much for not running spellcheck before hitting the publish button!

Lately I've noticed one dream popping up in my sleep. It's not an every night kind of dream but it's happened on more than one occasion and I've always thought it sorta odd. I looked it up tonight to see if there is any interpretation of this dream and wow - I found out it's sorta a common theme in dreams... I never knew! So much for thinking I'm unique - LOL!

The dream usually revolves around me finding a room in my house - a room I didn't know existed. Sometimes it's a bathroom I didn't know was there or a huge closet, other times it's a master bedroom suite. It's always a huge surprise and it always gets discovered when I just don't think we'll ever have enough room. I've read dreams like this can mean something about discovering hidden aspects of your personality or maybe an expansion or some sort in your waking life. That sounds logical, considering all the work that's been going on around here the last few years.

And funny - I'm watching Dreamgirls on television right now. I've never seen it before - yes, I've been living under a rock. It strikes me, while watching this, how easily, how quickly, a pure idea, goal, aspiration, can become twisted and changed into something else. People get stepped on and used. People get tossed aside. It happens all the time, every day, on a less grander scale - it happens. What becomes of the people left behind? Your dreams have been stolen, you don't fit into the plan anymore - what do you do?

I suppose you make a new dream... it's hard to do though because so much has been invested in the old dream and I think a lot of energy ends up being put into trying to redefine the dream - make it fit the new dynamic. I'm not sure it works that way - or maybe it does. I've not figured that part out yet. It's not been my experience though. I had a dream of love and marriage - a dream of sharing and growing old together, a dream of a family. I've done well redefining the family - it doesn't feel like something is missing anymore when we sit at the dinner table or make plans. The kids and I are a cohesive family unit, whole and complete just the way we are. It's not what I had envisioned the family to be but it is a family all the same. This isn't the career I envisioned but I'm much happier than I was doing my other job. And love, well, I'm sorry but I'm not sure it really truly exists. Two out of three ain't bad though, huh? Or at least that's what I've heard.

Spring

Happy First Day of Spring!

dysFUNction

I have found an indescribable joy in the act of doing laundry. My first thought on Friday morning was, "I can do laundry this weekend!" Sick I know. We have a closet full of clean towels and I'm catching up on washing all those non essential items we've been putting off. We've washed linens and marveled at how easily a big, fluffy queen sized comforter fits in the drum of the washer. Everything feels great and smells great. Life is truly good!

And it is. I know I keep saying it but I think the knowledge surprises me some still. I went Thursday for my monthly therapy session. I'm not sure how long she and I will continue to do this... I'm not ready to give it up yet. I do get valuable insight out of it still. I recounted to her about taking Rebecca to the audition and Rebecca's comment after all was said and done about how she didn't understand why it was so important to me to make her do it. I bristled at that I will admit. It's flack I often got from the ex during the marriage - stuff about how I had it all figured out and he and the kids were just pawns in my master plan. He didn't really phrase it that way but it was pretty clear that's what he thought. I suppose it all seemed that way to him because he left everything to me to do, to manage, to handle.

I've not forced the children to do anything, I've followed their lead. Joshua wanted to play baseball and football so I made it possible for him to be where he needed to be and have what he needed to have. I didn't force him to go to college, I didn't pick the school he attended or pick his major - but I made it possible for him to go to school and graduate without any debt. It's been the same with Rebecca and dance - Rebecca and anything...

And so yes, I bristled, if only inside. I teased her about it some, said, "oh, now wait a minute little girl... you said you wanted to do this and I made it happen." To which she responded, "Well how was I supposed to know you'd take me seriously!" I recounted all this to the therapist and we discussed the ex's criticism of me. She said she understood that, and she understood why I would feel that way but that she didn't think Rebecca's reaction was like that. She said what Rebecca did was typical - normal even - and that it's her way of separating some, without separating. She said it's what teenagers do.

That's what I get out of therapy folks - perspective. It's hard to live a certain way for so very long and not have it skew the way you internalize things. I was already working from a disadvantage with my parents. I didn't see a healthy relationship there and the dysfunction in their marriage made it very difficult for them to parent in the most effective manner. Their relationship took center stage which relegated everyone else to bit players. My ex didn't grow up witnessing a healthy relationship and Lord knows he and I didn't have a healthy relationship. My goal, my life's work, as become being healthy - showing the kids healthy. I couldn't do that living the way I was. I'm still learning, always learning, but that's the way it's supposed to be - at least I think so. After all, a little bit of dysfunction is good for the soul... it's just important for it to be a tiny little bit... not a whole boat load, ya know?

The New Additions

It's exciting times here at the ball!

Two weeks ago I took another step into the uncharted wilderness of single living and the kids and I took a drive up to Lowes in the next town up (because we don't have one here in the sticks) and looked at washers and dryers. I had a two in one sorta combination in the corner of the kitchen the ex and I had purchased many years ago - before Rebecca was born - and it had become quite a pain in my ass in recent months. The dryer had gone over to the dark side and had decided to make our lives difficult in the only way it could. It was taking forever to dry things, it was attacking our clothes and leaving little discolored marks on them and it was biting certain items and leaving little slits or holes. The items it seemed to take most delight in harming were any kind of t-shirt and mine and Rebecca's panties. We stopped putting anything in the dryer except blue jeans and towels and like I said, it was taking forever to get them dry. I couldn't put the purchase off any longer. And besides, since the washer and dryer were the two in one variety I sorta needed a new washer too. I had my heart set on a front loading washer, one that uses significantly less water, and so off we went...

I ended up buying a set, and I had planned on paying for them with tax return money (since I'm a poor woman on paper at least one last year) but I hadn't taken the taxes yet and I didn't really have the money in hand (I could have used savings I suppose...). I said screw it, I'd finance the suckers and just pay it off when I did get my return. I explained to the little fella in the appliance section what I wanted to do so he explained to me how to apply for credit and gave me the stuff to fill out. As he was ringing up the washer and dryer and setting my delivery date he said -oh, you're pre-approved. So, ok... not as hard as I thought it was going to be!

Yesterday was D-Day - Delivery Day - and the two nice delivery fellas brought them and hauled away the demon and now I have two 21st century beauties sitting in my kitchen. The fellas hooked the washer up but after I ran the first load and the clothes came out sorta steamy I remembered that for some reason our hot and cold water faucets are switched (this house is nuts) so Joshua switched the hoses for me. Then we needed a new vent thing - the old one we had was a fire hazard because it was the plastic variety - so we went out to get that (and eat dinner and see a movie) and when we got back we realized we are missing one of the clamps for the vent so I ran to The Walmart at 9 pm. But now, beautifully, they are both up and running and I've washed and dried two loads of clothes and I plan on doing many more today! We're sorta behind on laundry in the house these days... hmmm... I wonder why?

Part of me was a little nervous and unsure about making such a major purchase alone - but I did it and I'm not stupid and I am capable of being a comparison shopper. I knew what I wanted, I had an idea of what I wanted to spend, and I asked questions. I'm actually much better at this sort of thing than my ex is/was, so I'm not sure why I was apprehensive about doing it. It's felt so great - having the new additions in the house. It's amazing how smoothly laundry can go when the washer and dryer actually work! Today Joshua christened them like he does everything - he's named them Loretta and Franklin (and please don't shorten Franklin's name to Frank, he doesn't like that). Is it pathetic that I get so giddy at the silliest things? Oh hell, who cares! I have a fantastic new washer and dryer and my life is simplier because of it - that's reason to celebrate in my book.