Easily...

one of the most beautiful songs ever... post coming soon...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLQl3WQQoQ0

Self Reliant

There are times it's not so easy being a single woman.  Sure sure sure, you're thinking, being a single woman has to be the most awesomest wondrous thing in the world... and yes, well you'd be right on most fronts but I gotta tell ya, it's pretty rough when something around this place goes wrong.  I could go into details about how, when the ex left, he also left a pretty big mess of unfinished projects, but that's not the point - I only bring it up to say - the ex left a mess of unfinished projects, which makes me feel sometimes like I'm living in a perpetual work in progress.  There are floors without moulding to cover the space between the hardwood floors and the baseboards.  There are three interior doors we replaced before he left the house for good - that left closet doors and the bathroom doors with the same old partical board brown.  The faucets in the bathroom weren't replaced and finished properly.  He didn't run any caulk between the toilet and the floor.  He didn't screw the vents into the baseboards.  Get the picture? 

Well, like I said sometimes things go wrong around here.  The toilet thing - I caulked it :-)  I read about it, bought the proper materials and ta-da!  I have single handedly painted every room in this house.  I think I will check into replacing the vents again - they are looking rough - and this time I think I can screw them into the baseboards.   Joshua has helped out some too - he and I replaced a broken light switch in the bathroom when the toggle part stopped toggling.  He put up a new ceiling fan in his (former) room.  I've called Dad a few times to get advice.  I've even called a plumber when I thought we(thank goodness didn't) have a leak.  I discovered though that the lovely little plumber dude, who came out and checked for me one afternoon, cost $65 for the five minute use of his expertise.

So lately I've noticed a drip. drip. drip. coming from the faucet in the bathtub.   Yeah, awesome.  It wasn't bad... not really... at first.  It started to get worse though... I was catching the water in a pitcher and using it to water the plants on the front porch  and fill the dog's bowl... but it got worse.  I talked to dad and he said it was probably a worn something or other and probably no big deal.  Ok, well today it was bad... started to trickle and trickles are bad news.  I called mom to see about dad looking at it - I unscrewed the handle and looked at it - turning some little plastic thing and finally, some how, some way turning the metal pipe part and making the trickle go away - and then making the drip go away... and now, well at this moment there is no leak.  But Rebecca is showering and who knows what will happen when she gets through.  But hey, me, self reliant me, fixed the leak.  I, of course, no idea what I did, or how I did it but I'll take the fix.  Saved me at least $65.  Yeah me!

Tonight I walked with my buddy, the sadist, and I was telling her about the leak - how on earth could I have fixed it and she said she had signed up for a women's basic intro to plumbing/electrical basics - she asked me if I wanted to go with her.  Uh, yes!  I' d love to!  Pretty great timing on that one huh?  I can't wait!  I need to learn these basics I suppose, especially if I plan to remain so self reliant!  LOL!

The More Things Change...

the more they stay the same eh? 

It's been along few weeks and at some point I will post my thoughts and feelings surrounding all the excitement leading up to the wedding and about the wedding itself.  I'll also post the experience from a divorce point of view too - but really the point of view I have with a contentious divorce, not an amicable one. Sheesh... he continues to be such a tool.

For now though, I'm just sorta shaking my head and smiling.

The birds of love, my dear son and his very new wife, returned today from their honeymoon.  Me, silly mom that I am, expected not to see them for a few days - I mean, why on earth would you want to go anywhere but be in your new house on the day you return from your honeymoon?  But nope, what do they do?  They pop over to my house for dinner, since they didn't have food in their house.  How funny is that?  They just left, about ten minutes ago, and took a load a few more of Joshua's things and some wedding gifts.  But it was fun, to just have them here - to listen to their stories and to talk about the beauty and wonderment surrounding the day. 

We've all started a new chapter.  Rebecca and I have enjoyed the week of solitude... we're settling into it being just the two of us again, and we're slowly realigning how we do things around here.  It's all gonna be ok... perfectly ok... new stories on the horizon.  Me, well, Rebecca is driving now and I'm not needed to chauffeur her back and forth to dance class... whatever shall I do with myself these days?

Chchchchanges...

Changes abound - butt loads of them -

On Friday I took Rebecca to the DMV to attempt her license and, in true Rebecca fashion, she passed it all on the first try.  Then she drove me back to work and drove herself to the store before picking me up to take me home - but we didn't come home we drove to the local Chevy dealership and looked at a car.  Now that she has her licence I have to make good on the bargain - that one that said I would give her my car and I would get a new one.  So I saw the cutest Cruze and they told me to take it home for the night and drive it, which I did.  Loved it of course. 

We get home and are chillin for a moment when I walk into the kitchen to see a black snake.  ARGH!  Joshua got home a few minutes later and wrangled the damn thing outside where he killed it.  He wasn't going to kill it but it kept moving back toward the house and we didn't want that to happen - so it died.

So today I drove the car back to the dealership and told them I wanted the car - they figured up a deal for me and we talked financing and now I have a new car.  I had to get a car - and it made sense to get this one (awesome gas mileage).

I don't handle change well so a part of me is slightly freaking out - it's gonna be ok though, right?

Out of the Blue

So funny to get a text out of the blue that someone from far away is coming close to home.  "Let me buy you a drink," he says.  Ok, but while we've know one another for a very long time we've never officially been in the same room at the same time.  It will be interesting.  I almost think it's easier to remain an enigma though - there is a lot of pressure in this whole meetup thing.  Not that it means anything really... just two friends having a drink.  What harm could that be?  Now I need to plan that trip to Canada :-)

I'm still walking... the hills and inclines are killing me but I am starting to notice some subtle differences in my physic.  My legs, which are normally muscular anyway, are hard as rocks.  My arms are feeling some changes too and my butt tends to always be sore the day after.  That's gotta mean something, right?  I think that's the shoes though - the toning shoes, they really do make ya' feel the burn.

The wedding is very close.  I need to address the invitations for the rehearsal dinner and get those out next week.  I am taking my dress and Rebecca's to the seamstress about getting them altered.  I'm bleeding money out the wazoo and it will be amazing to have all the celebrations come to an end if for no other reason than my wallet needs a break - oh and the ex contacted me - he wanted to know if I wanted him to chip in on the cost - sure hooka, I'll take your money!  I'll have to blog about our meeting... but I need lots of rest and focus for that...

Until then... that's all folks...

A Four Letter Word

I stumbled across this, as I'm apt to do, but I think that's how it works:

Romans 8:24-25

²⁴ For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? ²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. (NIV)

Or -

We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)(NLV)

I think I like the NLV translation the best but they say the same things, really.  I think though what draws me to the NLV translation is the word confidently.  And, perhaps, that's the word I find myself struggling with right now.  Hope, some days, is all that keeps me going - an idea, no, a belief, that at some point, at some time, my deep abiding desire for more will manifest itself into something felt - spiritually, emotionally, and concretely.  But I don't know, I really don't.  Why does it seem so difficult and dark sometimes? 

To hope confidently... wow, tall order.  Sometimes it's all one can do to keep that tiny little flicker of hope alive - but then, to add confidence to the mix... sheesh, almost like my walking buddy - we clip along our three mile course up an incline most of the way back and for fun she suggests that we now add that fourth mile - the one that goes up two, yes two, very steep hills.  Ugh.  Throw me a flippin' bone here lady... I'm doing the three miles, aren't I?  Talk about kicking a gal when she's down.  But I do it and afterwards feel great... but it takes me talking myself into it to get it accomplished... confidence? 

I think to myself sometimes - is this as good as it gets?  And really, it's not so bad.  Life is predictable and sane, mostly.  There is an ease to the way we live now at Casa de Belle and we've all come a very long way.  And yet... is this it?  I mean really?  Life really isn't a destination, it's a journey, and therefore we don't ever really arrive anyplace, do we?  We move along and pick up travelling companions as we go...  and we, as humans, we're not meant to be alone.  God didn't make us that way and yet, it seems, an awful lot of the time we do end up alone - at least some of us.  And it's not always a choice we make - it is just what it is.

But I go back to the therapist looking at me and saying, "Belle, you're wired to be in relatonship - God made you that way.  And God, havng made you that way, will not leave you unfulfilled."  I don't know.  I just don't know.  God has a plan and God has His own sense of timing.  It always ends up being perfect timing, of course, but it sure doesn't feel that way to us when we're waiting.  And hoping.  It's exhausting though.  I remind myself each morning I am one day closer - to what, I truly don't know - but whatever it is it's one day closer.  God, have mercy on me - help me to wait hopefully, with patience and confidence.  Amen.


G K Chesterton said:

Hope means hoping when things are hopeless or it is no virtue at all...As long as matters are really hopeful, hope is mere flattery or platitude. It is only when everything is hopeless that hope begins to be a strength."

Argh.

Does anyone know me?  I mean really?  Anyone?  I had the friend who tried to set me up with the fella mentioned in a previous post... and now, now  have another friend trying to set me up with someone else.  Not good - not good at all.  Sheesh.  With friends like these I really don't need an enemy.  Not at all.  Ugh.

Ok, this guy seems nice enough.  Hard working fella - that's a plus.  He has two grown sons - one's a cop and the other a fire fighter.  His wife, apparently, cheated on him and he's done the lion's share of raising his boys.  My friend says he's a very nice guy and I have no doubt that's true.  She wants to know why I have reservations.  Well, I did check out his facebook like she told me to and he friend requested me and I accepted it.  He lives a very different kind of life than I do.  First off - something he has no control over - but his son is engaged to a girl I just can't stand.  The idea of spending time with her does not appeal to me at all.  Then there is the fact he likes auto racing.  This is something I detest.  I know there are people out there that love it - live by it.  Me, I don't understand it,  don't have any desire or inclination to want to understand it.  The whole culture surrounding it turns my stomach.  Hey, more power to those folks who love it - I'm just not one of them. 

He smokes.  That's a big deal to me also.  My ex did and I hated it.  I never "let" him smoke in the house.  That's how he looked at it.  Me, I looked at it like I was doing what  could to keep me and the kids as under exposed to it as possible.  I hate the way it smells and don't want my clothes or house or me smelling of it.  I don't want my kids smelling of it either.  I don't want to spend time some place where I come away smelling of it.  If people choose to smoke that's their prerogative.  I don't enjoy the smell of it on someone else and I don't enjoy the taste of it. Smoking was a big part of what I did not find attractive about my ex.  I did not enjoy smelling it on him and I did not enjoy kissing him.  Smell is a big sensual to me... I want natural smell and I love the smell of a nice cologne but I actually find repulsion in the smell of cigarette smoke.  Smoking also seems to be a big preoccupation with people who engage in that habit.  They spend a lot of time making time to do it.  It's almost impossible to find a place that will allow you to smoke - and I'm not interested in sitting down to a nice dinner where the smell of smoke overpowers the smell and taste of the food.

My friend, she says I should give him a chance because he's a nice guy.  I've tried to tell her I don't dispute him being a nice guy - I just don't think he's someone I'm compatible with at this time in my life.  She said I should learn to like new things.  That's just it though, auto racing - it's not a new thing.  Soccer, now that would be a new thing for me.  There was a time in my life I had never experienced hockey and then I had the opportunity to go to a game and it was fun.  It's not something I seek out now, it's not something I follow closely but I can find enjoyment in it, especially when I share the experience with someone else.  Auto racing I have experienced.  There was nothing about it I found fun - not the races or cars or personalities nor did I find enjoyment in the culture that surrounds it.  Sharing the experience with someone is not going to change my deep, abiding dislike for the "sport."

And here's my thing about "learning to like new things."  I like the things I like - it took me a really long time to let myself do that - like the things  like.  I want to spend time with someone who likes the things I like too.  Not someone who learns to like the things I like but someone who genuinely likes the things I like.  I'm open to new experiences, yeah - but I'd like to share those things I like with someone who likes them too - someone  I like who likes me.  I'm looking for a kindred spirit I suppose.  I'm too old to settle for anything less...  I'm too old to reinvent myself... I'm too old to adapt myself to someone else's likes.  I've spend too many years denying what I like, down playing it, and doing without.  I won't do that anymore.  I won't.  I know what I want... I may not be able to completely articulate it to someone else what I want but I know, and I'll know when I meet it. And I know when  have met it - even if having it isn't possible right now.  Timing is a bitch... but bad timing isn't an excuse for poor choices.  Like I've said before - I'd rather be alone for all the right reasons than with someone for all the wrong ones.  Just because someone is nice doesn't mean he's right for me.