It's amazing how differently one can feel when all the clutter gets cleared away, all the oppression lifts, and the way becomes more clear and less hazy. Things are going well here. The kids are great... not perfect by any means what so ever but they are doing really well - I think they're happy and to me that's a huge thing... the legal stuff has been resolved - he'll be in a work release situation for five months, so for me (selfishly I know) the child support payments shouldn't be affected... and things are looking really good on the job front. The job I want is very close to being mine - I will start volunteering there next week for a few hours (while still working the other job) so I can learn the ropes - I spoke to the boss lady and she and I hit it off really well - she's kind and friendly... is excited I am excited and I think she'll be a great person with whom to work. The money is good and the benefits even better so my finances will go from tight but manageable to light and lucrative. This job has future potential - it's exactly what I needed to get the family finacially on the right track.
When ex first left I was devastated to a certain degree... couldn't see the future, couldn't imagine how I would do it. And then, after a while, I began to see the possibility in life - for my life. It was a nice feeling - a nice place to be, to finally see something after seeing nothing for so long. I thought possibility was the end of the emotional line, the opposite end of how I had felt... I thought possibility was the goal. But I think now though I see promise - and promise feels even better than possibility. There is an even greater excitement there - and it's a really satisfying feeling... especially since I am making it happen... I've worked hard, clawed and climbed and fought for every inch of it and now... now it feels calm. I can see the summit from where I am standing and it's beautiful.
It's still a little scary. For so long I lived in fear of losing it all... in fear of the other shoe dropping... in fear of everything. And it happened... I did lose it all. Well maybe not all of it... I still had the things that really mattered most. I had the kids, I had a roof over my head - I had the essentials... and then I discovered other things too. I had friends - really great friends - people who have stood by me and supported me, people who've listened to me and laughed with me. It's an amazing feeling to know I have that. Somehow being stripped down to the bare essentials put a lot of things into perspective for me - and I am a much better person for it. Things I once found to be a chore just aren't anymore... I'm finding joy in the simple things again and that makes me happy.
Life's not perfect... I miss a few things, a few people... perhaps in the future that won't be the case... but for today I have Carolina football and a quiet Saturday - a cool breeze and a light heart. It feels good.
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