Threshold

When I had my son I was a few weeks shy of 21. I'd never had a baby before - wasn't really educated in all the ins and outs... but then again until you experience having a baby there really is no way to describe the pain. You can say it's like this or it's like that... but you really can't fully understand it, know it, until you go through it. So here I was, just shy of 21, and I am in the hospital and the pain starts getting worse and I tell the nurse and then next thing I know I have an anesthesiologist putting a needle in my back. I didn't argue, didn't question it, just accepted it, and because the pain stopped I thought it was the best thing in the world... no pain! It was beautiful - or so I thought. I spent probably the next 10 hours in comfort... oblivious to what was coming. The time came to push... I did what I was told... my son arrived. Yes I know... it wasn't really all that easy but the details aren't important here. After the delivery I was still very numb from the epidural. The doctors had given me a new shot of the stuff prior to the delivery of the baby's head... they gave me the meds, gave me an episiotomy, and then delivered him. So afterwards I still couldn't feel anything. I couldn't walk, I couldn't stand, I couldn't go potty - and they wanted me to go potty. And I tried, I promise I did but I couldn't - so they used a catheter and that was just awful. I was stuck in that bed... unable to do anything... waiting. And then a few hours later when the numbness started to wear off it was kinda unpleasant. There was some pain, some vomitting, and instructions about what not to do to pervent a massive headache. Did I say it was awful? Ok good, just making sure....

Eight years later while planning for my daughter's birth I told the doctor that I would have an epidural. It seemed like the right thing to say - after all wasn't that what most smart, educated, reasonable women do - go for the pain management? But as the time got closer to her birth, as I started to remember more of the details both during and after my son's birth, I started to rethink whether or not that was what I really wanted to do. During his birth I felt like I had no contol over anything happening to me. After his birth I was stuck in one position, one place. This time I was older, I was wiser, I knew what it felt like - it was no mystery to me. And so, while getting prepped in the hospital for my induction the nurse asked me about the epidural request in my chart. I told her I'd been rethinking that - told her I thought perhaps I kinda maybe wanted to try it without. I was prepared for her to question me, ask me what the hell I was thinking - but she didn't. I figured she'd give me all the good reasons why I should have one... but she simply smiled and said ok and that was it. Now there did come a time about half way into it when I was seriously questioning my own sanity! But hey, I managed it... actually did very well. I could feel everything - didn't need someone looking at a monitor to tell me what my body was doing - I knew it - knew it instinctively - and I've never felt more powerful than I did in those few hours - not super hero powerful... not really so much in a sense that anyone would have known... but inside me, at my core, I was in complete command of myself and my actions.

As soon as she was born, as soon as she slipped from my body and the doctor placed her on my belly, all the pain stopped. I wasn't expecting that... I'd not felt anything the first time around so I didn't know and no one had ever told me - in all the books I had read it never said that... it never said, "All the pain just stops." Relief washed over my body then... a calm peace. The doctor stitched my tiny tear, then left with the baby for her once over and everyone who had been there with me left too... they wanted to see her, of course (duh), not me... and I was left alone with my nurse. And the nurse helped me get up, took me to the bathroom, finished my clean up and changed the bed sheets and made it all nice for my return. I walked the whole way, not the least bit wobbly, I used the bathroom without hesitation - I honestly felt great. And when they brought my baby girl back to me a short time later I nursed her.

It seems to me both births say something. And this may not mean a damn thing to anyone else but me... but in a sense I panicked the first time. I'd never experienced that pain before - didn't know its depths or duration - I had no way of knowing if inside me I had the strength to endure it, make my way through it. I was young and inexperienced and I was scared... and there was no one who could take that fear away but me - it was my journey to travel - and I didn't know enough to trust myself. I had folks around me to help... the doctors and nurses and family - but the truth was it was me... me all along - and I just didn't have that awareness. So I took the epidural - the promise of relief - not knowing the after effects, not knowing I would be trading one kind of pain for another. The second time I had more faith in myself... I knew the pain was temporary and I knew I was capable of handling it.

There just really are no short cuts, are there? I guess that's the point I am making, if only to myself - there are no short cuts. Pain comes. We can distract ourselves from it... run and hide and ignore, but it follows. It lurks and waits. We can't save ourselves from it, we can't spare other people from feeling it. It's just a real part of life. The pain has to be felt, experienced, worked through, to get to the miracle at its end. Sometimes though the pain just gets to be too much and any promised reprieve from the pain is welcomed and embraced and we just don't care what the consequences will be when it returns. But unresolved pain is like a twister, sucking everything else into its spinning vortex - touching and affecting everything in its path. And then sometimes we experience a pain that pushes the limits of what we thought was our highest threshold of pain... that's when we get into uncharted territory... when we start to question how much more we can take... and we get scared... and we panic. I guess that's where a faith in yourself comes into play... an inner knowledge of your own strength - that's what calms the panic. It's truly what gets you through....

Better in Time

And as an addendum I will add this: after daughter's birth the ex told everyone about how I went through the labor and birth without anything... for some reason that impressed the tea total hell out of him... the only time I can remember him ever speaking so highly of me - and it only took 7 1/2 hours of excruciating pain to do it. Yea me.