Shoes

I've been thinkin' a lot lately about shoes... means I need to take a trip and go shoe shoppin' y'all! Nothing makes me happier than the click clack of a cute pair of shoes on a linoleum floor, but I do believe I have intimated as much in an earlier post. But ya see I've not always been like this... oh I've always loved shoes - don't get me wrong... but I would always go for the practical shoe. You know the ones - the low heel, go with everything shoe. Comfort and sensibility over style and flair. BORING! And then a few years ago, probably 7 or 8, I bought the most unpractical pair of shoes I'd ever laid eyes on... they were a velvety black dress shoe with a satin stripe of black that criss crossed around the front. I loved them - and when I saw them I couldn't find one practical reason to buy them other than the fact they were so dog gone stylish. And because my head was where it was at that point I basically said to myself "what the fuck do you have to lose?" and myself said "not a damn thing!" And so I bought the shoes. Then I rarely wore them. I'd wear them to church occasionally but never to work. They sat in my closet for a long time. Then last year I looked at them one morning sitting there, bored and barely worn and thought, "you love these shoes... you should wear them." And so I put them on that morning with a black pair of slacks and that was it. I now frequently rotate them through the week - actually wore them today! They still look great!

That was the beginning - and now I've gotten really good at the unpractical side of shoe shopping. I've not bought a new pair in a while and I sorta feel like I have lost time to make up for - I need a new pair of shoes damn it! I've been a good financial planner lately though. When I knew I wouldn't have a job in the fall I cut back on spending. I stopped buying frivolous things... things that didn't satisfy an immediate need or provide long term practicality. But now, ahhh now that I am so very close to getting this job I feel the impending freedom of frivolity - a frivolity that prances around me with a light heart and a giddy laugh. Frivolity is such a precocious little elf and I love her -absolutely, positively adore her. I wonder why it took me so long to invite her into my life?

In reality though shoes have really just become a symbol for me. I've been doing lots of things lately that I probably wouldn't have done ten years ago. I'm taking those monthly dance classes (the next one is tap for anyone interested). I know I look silly... but I don't really care. I've jumped into this new job, actually marketed myself heavily yet tactfully.... I'm taking this training - putting myself out there. I'm stepping out of a lot of comfort zones and reaping exciting, far reaching, long term benefits. I've wondered too, though, is this just a midlife crisis thing? In some ways maybe. But really don't you think a midlife crisis is more about searching for something? I don't feel like I'm searching for anything - it's more that I feel like I've found something... I've found me. It's not been so much about buying a pair of shoes, but more about buying the shoes I really like... saying to hell with practical - realizing if I need a pair of shoes they might as well be a pair that speaks to me in colorfully poetic ways - a pair that makes me feel sexy and sassy and alluring. Life is too short not to feel that way. Why did it take me 42 years to figure that out?

Maybe that's the whole point - the rub of the issue... the heart of the matter... maybe we aren't meant to just know this early on - maybe it's a process that we come to... an awareness that slowly dawns - painting vibrant wispy strokes of color across our pale lonely lives. Or maybe that's just how it's happened for me. My night was so dark, so cold, so desolate - I never thought it would end ... and yet now I can see the soft streaks of first light announcing a new brilliant day. Gosh it sure is beautiful!

One of my favorite movies is It's a Wonderful Life. I don't think I have it listed on my profile page... I think I only listed more modern movies but I have some other favorites... some older ones like The Bishop's Wife and probably every adaptation of A Christmas Carol (can you tell it's getting close to holiday time?). The Christmas movies - those stories - are all about finding truth and beauty in our lives... discovering the gifts that exist there already and cherishing them with a grateful, attentive heart. There's a line in It's a Wonderful Life that always makes me laugh and I thought of it while writing this tonight - George Bailey is about to kiss Mary on the porch or the sidewalk - can't quite remember - but he's hesitant and the neighbor watches and waits and finally says something and George gives a flip little reply and the neighbor says in a mildly disgusted tone, "Ah, youth is wasted on the wrong people." And perhaps he's right... as we age and lose some of the time we so arrogantly thought was endless we start to recognize the importance of seizing the day - that ol' carpe diem. Life truly is too short to sit and stew and stress - to worry about appearances. When we're young we just don't have the skills to delineate between frivolity and foolishness. So here's to my own midlife crisis... my midlife epiphany- bring it on!