What About Me?

What about me?

Let's see... at first I picked that song and listened to it and thought it really doesn't go with what I am thinking but then... it kinda sorta does a little... so I'll go with it... roll with it.... flow... hmmm... I have a sweet friend who always said, "Just float down stream Belle... you don't let things flow... you gotta let things flow." Bless him... I've not talked to him in a while and I hope he's doing well - he had some really rough times last year, we almost lost him, but he worked so hard to overcome all the mental and physical hardships he was facing - and while he gives me a lot of credit for helping him through it all, I give him lots of credit for helping me grow as a person and for teaching me a lot about myself - and about life. He always said things don't happen randomly - that there is a reason - a higher hand in everything that happens. He said we met for a reason - and maybe we did. Maybe we all do. But I was thinking of you M... and I am sure all who read here and know him think of him sometimes too... so here's to you my friend! I hope you are well.

Now... I had a very kind person leave me a comment. And I am not really sure that person wanted me to publish the comment so I'll kinda sit on it for a while and decide. I've thought long and hard about what was said - some things were direct and said with concern and I appreciate that a lot. I guess I am not very good here in my blog about tooting my horn or spreading butterflies and sunshine. I think I use this blog mostly to work out thoughts in my head - those that really don't fit into any concrete workbook... you know the "Post Divorce This Is What You Should Do" workbook. There is a lot of stuff in there about getting out and rediscovering yourself and it's all good and valid stuff. And I've been doing that a lot whether I blog about it or not. I spend time hangin' out with the girls - movies, dinner, a glass of wine on a Friday night. I think I have made note before of how precious these girlfriends have been to me. I've started taking a mom's dance class myself - the studio owner does a "kid's night in" thing where she offers a class just for moms in a different art form each month - last month it was ballet, which was the coolest thing. I learned all the five positions of the feet and hands - did leaps and turns... it was a really great work out. It's incredible how physical ballet is. This Thursday is jazz. So far only one other mom and I are taking the classes but perhaps soon others will loosen up and join us.

I will soon have a new job I am very excited about - and I have also been taking classes in the evening twice a week to become a volunteer in a state program for kids. The job and the classes are sorta intertwined... it's a long story - but it's been fascinating... I am learning again - using my mind and looking outside myself. I feel like I have this great opportunity and as hokey as it might sound I can see God's hand in all of it. I think about my friend telling me to "flow" and this is all what he was telling me... patience, serenity, surrender. God has definitely directed my path... and I couldn't see it then... couldn't fathom it - but He has. A large part of my personal growth has been growing in my faith - maybe that's why church has become a comfortable - comforting - place for me again. A few years ago I couldn't see my way out of the tunnel -the dark, dark tunnel. I had a spiritual advisor educate me on the Dark Night of the Soul - perhaps he should blog on it himself - I couldn't possibly do it justice. The fact - the mere idea - we can go through such a time of darkness and disconnect from God to emerge on the other side closer to Him is mind blowing sometimes. I did everything I knew to do - everything - and it wasn't enough. My whole life fell apart - I lost my ability to see the future. I lost hope. But I've worked hard... very hard and I am a happier person for it - and I like myself again. That - I think - is the key.

I don't hate my ex. I don't really feel much for him anymore at all. I had a much greater grasp on the issues than it might appear I did. I know he was ill - I know he still is... but there came a point in our lives - our life together - that I couldn't go down that road with him anymore. I couldn't continue to let his choices affect my choices. I couldn't let his self loathing and detestation of life be mine too, but that's what was happening. He may not have done the things he did to directly hurt me... but a lot of what he did do was directed at me. He had to have a target - a deflection... because without one he'd have been forced to point the gun of blame at himself and that was something he just wouldn't survive. I get that - believe me I do. But that doesn't negated the fact I was left with wounds... deep wounds to my psyche and soul - and I would have died if I had stayed.

My son said something this summer that I think is telling. His girlfriend asked him if he felt I ever played favorites. He said no... she's pretty much been an equal opportunity ass kicker. He also thanked me - thanked me for letting him go - for letting him fall on his face a time or two. He will graduate in May from college... he's far from still being tied to my apron strings. Yeah I am involved in their lives - I never missed a football game and there are a lot of dance obligations but I am the only parent they have. It's a balancing act everyday... one I am more than aware of - but it's a 24/7 thing for me. I know what I do for myself says just as much as what I do for them... and I also know I have one shot at raising them... preparing them for their futures... nothing and no one will stop me from doing that... doing whatever it takes to give them the tools needed to be happy, healthy people.

And that leaves only love (and hey, I'll be honest here - sex)... perhaps a need at the moment but not one I am desperately seeking to fulfill - it's the whole patience, serenity, surrender thing again. When it's time it will happen - and I am not blindly looking for just any warm body to satisfy me - the right one may be out there... it just might not be the right time yet - and that's ok, because when all is said and done I think he'll most definitely be worth the wait. That acknowledgment doesn't stop me from missing him though.... so I come here to my blog - my oasis in the desert - and I sigh and I muse and I lament... and it keeps me sane - and sometimes I get the pleasure of connecting with old friends and making some new ones... who could ask for more?