Jail

Late last July my minister, Marc, called me on my cell phone. He had something he wanted to discuss with me and he wondered if he could come to where I was. Well I was at the dance studio - I'm always at the dance studio - and he asked if he could come out there - I said sure... gave him the directions and he met me there. While I was waiting for him my mind was racing - what could he possibly have to tell me that required a trip out to a dance studio to break the news? My first thought was the ex had killed himself... he'd talked about it many times in the past... had even written a note - wow that was ten years ago this month. He shared the note with his therapist and she called me and said it was time - time to put him in the hospital... and that's where he spent eight days in October of '98. So my mind was racing... wondering what was so important that Marc had to tell me in person. I couldn't imagine it being much else....

When he arrived we sat on a bench outside. He apologized for worrying me - knew what I must have thought and was sorry to have worried me so but he knew he had to tell me all this in person. He explained that the my soon to be ex had been arrested. The Feds had arrested him that morning and he had been booked and was sitting in a jail. I knew it was coming, or I had suspected it was coming. It's hard to explain... a lot of details I don't think are necessary to share except to say it was work related and the whole company was involved. He stared working there in 2000 and spent a lot of nights away from home. So much of what he did he didn't share with me. I'd ask questions and he give me little ambiguous answers. More and more he created a complete life away from his family. More and more he chose other people and activities over being home. He slipped away and I was powerless to stop it.

Anyway, back to the arrest... so he had a sentencing hearing sometime around the first of the year - and then... nothing. I had asked him about it - wondered what the status was and he said he didn't know, that he was waiting to hear what the sentence reduction was going to be - that there were other things that were going to factor into how much actual jail time he'd have to do. So that was it... until yesterday. The ex in laws had planned a trip to Ireland, they were leaving tomorrow for ten days. Ex mother in law called yesterday to tell me they had cancelled their trip - ex's final hearing is set for next week - Tuesday or Wednesday - and she just couldn't be out of the country while all this was going on... instead they were going to Charleston for the weekend. She just wanted to let me know. I said thanks... asked a few questions which I really didn't get any answers to and that was that. So I suppose next week we shall find out if he goes up the river and for how long... it's a sad, sad shame.

He's made so many messes. I wonder if he'll ever stop. That's what happened, in the end, too many messes... too many secrets and lies.... I wasn't a perfect wife but I tried. There was just no way for me to win... for me to keep it together, the marriage, no way to fix it. I couldn't compete with the allure, the promise, of a different kind of life. His boss was wealthy and took him on trips. He had wealthy friends and they would all play... go out at night sit in bars, go to NASCAR races, visit the casinos and gamble. I didn't know about the gambling until the IRS started sending us bills... thousands of dollars owed on gambling income... money I didn't even know existed. And then of course there were the affairs... I just couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't hold it together by myself. He left emotionally, mentally - long before he left physically. There was nothing to save.

The worst part of it all is what he's done to his children. Me - I'm a big girl... I've handled it, worked through it, carved out a new road for this family - my family. He's no longer my husband, he's chosen a different path, a different partner and it's ok... I'm ok. But he didn't just leave me when he walked out - he left the kids too. Not all fathers do that... lots of fathers continue to have great relationships with their children, they share custody, remain involved and active in their lives... but not my ex. He's not seen his daughter dance in three years. He just doesn't come to her recitals anymore. As of this weekend he's not seen them in eight weeks. He's not talked to daughter since August 22 - her birthday - and he spoke to her for 2 minutes and 48 seconds... it's on my cell phone. He's not talked to son since August 31st. I've made it easy to see them... he's never been denied access to them - ever. He just chooses not to contact them. There is a lot of damage to repair, and he's not doing the work needed. The longer this goes on, the more time he spends out of their lives, the harder it will be to return. It's not fair to the kids - they need a dad and they don't have one and it breaks my heart.

Everyone makes mistakes - everyone. I've made them, he's made them... these mistakes, they don't have to define us though - they don't have to be who we are. Life throws so much at us - sometimes it's wonderful stuff... special, beautiful, exceptional... and sometimes it's painful stuff... horrific, ugly, devastating. The experience isn't the defining moment - what defines us is how we react to it, how we handle it - do we grow from it, do we rise above, do we learn? Can we make something good from it all? My ex husband isn't doing this... I'm sorry all of this is happening to him... I can only imagine how scared he is, but even in the face of all this, even now, he's doing nothing to grow, nothing to mend. I'm afraid for him... and I'm powerless to help him, powerless like I've always been and that makes me sad.