Don't Think I Don't Think About It
It's the time of the year I start looking for the slightest change of color in the leaves - it's sort of a secret thing with me... while driving the back roads to and from each destination I'll look at the tip tops of the trees... searching for the first little hint... the first almost imperceptible blush. It's happening and I'm honestly surprised it's started so soon this year... I guess the lack of rain all summer has contributed to the early arrival of color. Perhaps the trees struggled all summer waiting on water, and getting very little, finally made it to a point in their cycle where they can start letting go a little - a relief of some sort - I do that... say "if I can just make it to this day then it will all be ok." It's not an over whelming change at the moment so I can't really get too excited just yet. It's still really warm too - although we have had some cooler weather the last few days with the rain. {Ahhhh rain... such a beautifully romantic thing (long sigh).} It's this time of the year I start dreaming of a trip to the mountains - to hike the trails and enjoy the slight chill in the air. I've only really taken a few trips to the mountains - none of which were more than a few days - but they call to me in the fall, beckoning me to come....
In November of 2003 the family took a trip to Blowing Rock... son was a junior in high school that fall and thinking about college. The (now ex) mother in law decided we should all go to Blowing Rock and visit Appalachian State. She had always wanted the ex to go to school there and she thought it might be a good place for son. (ex) Father in law's boss owns a house in Blowing Rock - right on the side of the mountain - and he graciously allowed us all to stay there for the weekend. This place is amazing - not sure I can begin to describe how gorgeous it truly is - all wood, wrap around deck, three levels, a stream running along the back of the house, huge stone fireplace, kick ass kitchen. The master suit is on the third level. It has it's own gas fire place and a huge spa tub in the bathroom. It's the perfect place to go in the fall... being there was like being in heaven.
This was 2003 - right smack dab between affairs - maybe... who knows. He could have been with the second woman by then... it's possible... they both have admitted knowing each other that far back although he's been very cryptic and evasive about when the affair really started. This all stands out to me very vividly - this trip. Ex behaved in typical fashion... distant - mind somewhere else... there but not there if you know what I mean. Parts of this confused me - here we were in this beautiful place... lots of possibilities for romantic little moments: walks, snuggles, soaks in the tub - and he was not the least bit receptive to any of it. He really kept to himself... a lot. I was going to take son on an official tour of the campus but the men - ex, son and grandfather, decided they would just drive through the campus. In the end it was a mistake to let them go alone... they literally just drove the car around the campus and left, learning nothing at all about the school or what it had to offer - oh well... that spring when he wanted to visit another college I made sure it was a scheduled tour - and wow, low and behold guess what? It made a huge difference... who would have thought?!?
What I've been thinking about though, as the leaves change and the mountains whisper, is how wonderful that trip was - not because of the ex but in spite of the ex. I really enjoyed every moment of that weekend. We all went hiking on Grandfather Mountain... we ate at some wonderful restaurants... I soaked myself in that spa tub... we shopped in quaint little stores... I sat on the cushy leather couch in front of the fire, sipping a glass of wine and reading a book.... I watched the sun set and listened to the wind blow through the beautifully colored leaves on the tallest trees I'd ever seen.... I fell asleep in the warm cozy bed to the sound of a crackling fire - all unaffected by the ex's aloof behavior. It's a moment in time I can look back on and realize I was letting go. I was letting go of any expectations, letting go of any desires - I didn't let his neglect and emotional absence dictate whether or not I experienced something joyful and abundant. I didn't tip toe around, I didn't look to him to set the pace or the mood. I enjoyed myself - just simply enjoyed myself. I found my own wonder and beauty in the moment. That's what the mountains whisper to me I think... what calls me to return - the knowledge I can do that... find in myself the strength and gentleness to sooth and calm my soul.
In November of 2003 the family took a trip to Blowing Rock... son was a junior in high school that fall and thinking about college. The (now ex) mother in law decided we should all go to Blowing Rock and visit Appalachian State. She had always wanted the ex to go to school there and she thought it might be a good place for son. (ex) Father in law's boss owns a house in Blowing Rock - right on the side of the mountain - and he graciously allowed us all to stay there for the weekend. This place is amazing - not sure I can begin to describe how gorgeous it truly is - all wood, wrap around deck, three levels, a stream running along the back of the house, huge stone fireplace, kick ass kitchen. The master suit is on the third level. It has it's own gas fire place and a huge spa tub in the bathroom. It's the perfect place to go in the fall... being there was like being in heaven.
This was 2003 - right smack dab between affairs - maybe... who knows. He could have been with the second woman by then... it's possible... they both have admitted knowing each other that far back although he's been very cryptic and evasive about when the affair really started. This all stands out to me very vividly - this trip. Ex behaved in typical fashion... distant - mind somewhere else... there but not there if you know what I mean. Parts of this confused me - here we were in this beautiful place... lots of possibilities for romantic little moments: walks, snuggles, soaks in the tub - and he was not the least bit receptive to any of it. He really kept to himself... a lot. I was going to take son on an official tour of the campus but the men - ex, son and grandfather, decided they would just drive through the campus. In the end it was a mistake to let them go alone... they literally just drove the car around the campus and left, learning nothing at all about the school or what it had to offer - oh well... that spring when he wanted to visit another college I made sure it was a scheduled tour - and wow, low and behold guess what? It made a huge difference... who would have thought?!?
What I've been thinking about though, as the leaves change and the mountains whisper, is how wonderful that trip was - not because of the ex but in spite of the ex. I really enjoyed every moment of that weekend. We all went hiking on Grandfather Mountain... we ate at some wonderful restaurants... I soaked myself in that spa tub... we shopped in quaint little stores... I sat on the cushy leather couch in front of the fire, sipping a glass of wine and reading a book.... I watched the sun set and listened to the wind blow through the beautifully colored leaves on the tallest trees I'd ever seen.... I fell asleep in the warm cozy bed to the sound of a crackling fire - all unaffected by the ex's aloof behavior. It's a moment in time I can look back on and realize I was letting go. I was letting go of any expectations, letting go of any desires - I didn't let his neglect and emotional absence dictate whether or not I experienced something joyful and abundant. I didn't tip toe around, I didn't look to him to set the pace or the mood. I enjoyed myself - just simply enjoyed myself. I found my own wonder and beauty in the moment. That's what the mountains whisper to me I think... what calls me to return - the knowledge I can do that... find in myself the strength and gentleness to sooth and calm my soul.
1 comment:
"It's a moment in time I can look back on and realize I was letting go. I was letting go of any expectations, letting go of any desires - I didn't let his neglect and emotional absence dictate whether or not I experienced something joyful and abundant. "
Thank you.
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