Divorce Revisited...

My new anniversary is November 9th... that's the day I went to court, stood across the aisle from the man I was married to for almost 21 years and answered the judges questions... he asked stuff like have you tried to reconcile, did you try counseling, is there anything the court could do... and I answered them and ex answered them. The judge asked a few more questions, the lawyer called me to the stand - I affirmed the fact I was seeking a divorce and yes we had lived apart for at least a year... she asked about some of the provisions in the agreement - then called my witness to testify to the fact we had been apart a year... a few other questions I don't remember and the judge said he was satisfied the marriage was irretrievably broken and he signed off on it... we went to the clerk who affixed the seal and it was done. It probably took all of 15 minutes. Ex and I didn't talk at all while we waited. I spoke to my lawyer mostly and my minister who had graciously agreed to be my witness. He would go speak to ex some but mostly ex was alone. He looked horrible - terribly thin. I had dressed for success... I had bought a new black skirt, tight fitting until the flounce at the bottom, and a soft, apple green sweater. I figured if a girl couldn't buy a new outfit to get divorced in then when could she.

A week later the topic of my divorce came up with some ladies at work. They were giving me a pep talk when another lady walked in and she was invited into the conversation. She had gone through a divorce years earlier and she was urged to tell me that it eventually gets ok. She was too funny, said she had the belief that every woman who goes through a divorce has two years to be nuts... to just do, say, act any which way she so chooses... and if no one gets it, if everyone thinks you've gone off the deep end then so what. I remember that occasionally when I think I've lost my mind - I still have thirteen more months. Lots of stuff I've done can fall under that umbrella... it gives me some comfort to be able to place all my off the wall thoughts, actions and feelings in a box labeled "crazy." I still have some craziness I'd like to try out... stuff I'll keep to myself for now... but maybe one day it will be good fodder for blogging... who knows.

I heard a song on the radio yesterday that brought all this to mind. There are lots of songs out there, past and present, about heartache and the end of relationships. They all have their place, some have made more of an impact on me than others, but nothing I've heard ever captured the whole "two years to be crazy" attitude until I heard So What. It's a new Pink song. Now I've always liked Pink - actually love some of her songs. I think she's probably a pretty straight shootin' chick - no bullshit, no pretense. She never seems to have a hard time making fun of herself in videos and she's pretty and sexy in a really unconventional way - at least that's my take. The song just throws it all out there - I love it when she says, "and you're a tool." The video is great, she spends the whole three plus minutes doing the craziest stuff - driving a lawn mower down a city street, she cuts down that tree, harasses the salesman in the guitar store, goes off on the just married couple, strips naked and dances around in front of the paparazzi, sets her hair on fire, takes up with strange people and plays mean little jokes. How much nuttier can you get than that?

The video is off the wall, so ridiculously funny, but it captures an emotion - the very real feeling I had - the feeling that pushed me to explore and step outside of myself, to turn myself upside down - the hilarity in the video sorta diffuses the too often, too real aspects of it all. When your world changes so drastically, so profoundly, so completely, something snaps inside... you just feel this need to reclaim something... anything... you really aren't sure at first what that something is. Slowly it begins to dawn on you though... slowly you start to realize what you're trying to reclaim is actually yourself. Doing crazy things is a way to test yourself... explore your boundries, rediscover who you are. I suppose that's why it all looks so crazy on the outside - for so long I projected an image, adopted a way to cope and get through the day and it wasn't pleasant... it was tiring, lonely and, well, futile. At some point you remember you're still a rock star - and that's when the fun begins.

Pink's ex is in the video so the end of their marriage must have been on friendly terms. It's great they can be like that - sometimes I wish mine could have been too but when a "tool" would rather slink away into oblivion than work through it then you really don't have much of a choice... but regardless of the motivation behind the song it's very much my new anthem! (at least for the next thirteen months)