God Is Great

I've had a rough couple of years (maybe closer to a decade?) - that's no secret to anyone close to me, no secret to anyone reading this blog. I don't walk up to strangers on the street and tell them my story - I don't get into it with most people I don't know well. If someone asks me about it I answer questions, sometimes I offer basic rudimentary information pertaining to the bipolar disorder, sometimes people will ask me about the affair, or ask me about the kids and how they are coping... but most often it's just my closest friends who know it all. As time has passed it's been less in the forefront of my mind and so I've been able, in essence, to live again some. Breathe again some.

One of the hardest things in the last few years (decade?) has been the slow deterioration of my faith. I'd had this long held belief that God takes care of us... that God had a vested interest in us as individuals, as people... but at some point in this journey, this trial, this descent into hell, I lost that... during a time in my life, a time when I needed to be closest to God, I couldn't have felt farther away. I'd felt abandoned in a lot of ways - abandoned by God - and it made no sense to me. The bottom had dropped out of my life and I was free falling into a deep, black cavern of desperation. Where was God? I hated everything. I hated my life, my marriage, my church, other people. I was so envious of everyone else who looked "on track." They hadn't been derailed, they weren't losing it all, and I was bitter and I was someone I didn't like - a green, distorted, grotesque monster... I was miserable. The harder I worked to fix it the more I just got kicked in the teeth... and that made me hard... and cynical... and cold.

Little by little I've been crawling out of the pit. Little by little I've been reclaiming myself, my life, my happiness. Little by little I've been reclaiming my relationship with God. Something I've come to realize is He never really left me... He just sorta sat back, watching from the sidelines, patiently waiting on me while I figured it out. Life, my life, isn't totally fixed yet - but it's a whole lot better than it used to be... and hopefully the scattered puzzle pieces are starting to fall into place - slowly. I'm blown away by how kind people have been... blown away by the support they've given - and for the first time in a long time I feel like I have a network, a caring group of people - and it just keeps growing... getting bigger and farther reaching, one life touching another, and then another.... It's an awesome thing really - a humbling thing - and I feel blessed.

I've started enjoying being in church on Sundays again. I seem to take something with me from every service - sometimes it's the music, sometimes the sermon, and sometimes it's nothing more than simply reciting the Apostle's Creed - saying the words and reaffirming my faith. My favorite part of the service though always seems to be the Prayer of Confession and the Assurance of Pardon. I find comfort in speaking aloud my sins and short comings. Last Sunday it was an all encompassing service for me though. The sermon was spot on... God Blesses Us Even When We Complain was the title and the message was close to brilliant. At one point the minister challenged us all to think - was there really ever a time when God didn't provide what we needed? Maybe it wasn't exactly what we expected, maybe it wasn't all that we wanted -but was it all we needed? And man o man did that hit home! He said we've all gotten used to thinking miracles have to be grand events, obvious to all, when in reality they are more often tiny little moments that we overlook. When he said that I thought of the cat.

Last winter two little kittens took up residence under my shed. They would come out when I fed the other stray cat I'd had fixed a few years ago. One kitten was a calico and the other white and black. The calico was bold and brash. It would hiss at us and bully it's way to the food bowl. The black and white was timid and very skittish. She'd only come up after she was sure no one was around... she'd run for the shed when someone opened the door. As winter turned to spring the calico cat disappeared and only the black and white remained. She became more friendly and would stay on the deck instead of run when someone opened the door - she was warming up to us I suppose. And then one weekend it became glaringly apparent she was going into heat... OH FUN! There were big ol' tom cats hanging around the deck - there was hissing and yowling... it was crazy. I kept thinking "holy shit what am I gonna do?" I knew I needed to get her fixed... I knew it was the responsible thing to do... the humane thing to do - but I also knew it was going to cost me $75. I had called the vet and even with a coupon for spaying from the SPCA it would cost me that much money. It wasn't in my budget, that $75... and I wasn't sure how I would pay for it - but I finally decided to just do it... to take the money from the savings and do it. So I made the appointment and went about catching the cat in the crate to take her in the next day.

That day in the mail I received a check for $70. It was a refund on an overage in my escrow account - money I had no idea was coming - a tiny little miracle. When I picked the kitten up from the vet the bill came to $65 - there was a reduction for some reason... I can't remember why... but it all worked out. We named her Bridget and she's become the sweetest most friendly little thing ever.

Before I sign off I thought I'd include Sunday's Prayer of Confession - for lots of reasons it mirrors what I've been feeling - He will take care of me... He will provide... I just have to have faith:

Loving God, you know our weaknesses. Fearful of the future we forget what you have done for us in the past. We see scarcity where you supply abundance. We complain when conditions challenge us. We begrudge others their success, allow envy to divide us, and live lives that are unworthy of the Gospel. Generous God, forgive us. Help us to remember your wonderful works, trust your gracious provisions, seek out your presence, and strive side-by-side with others to serve you well.