Cherish Is the Word

Let us expound on the word cherish - shall we? I've talked a lot with friends - fellow victims of destruction, fellow recovorees - about what a healthy relationship should be. We know there is something dysfunctional about how we've grown to view the world, we know we chose the partners we did because of some missing something in ourselves - dysfunction seeking dysfunction - and we've worked to figure that all out - worked to become aware and cognizant so we don't make some of the same mistakes again. It's interesting to me the words whole and hole, they both kinda fit in this instance. We have holes we want filled so we can become whole... It's easy to think someone else can fill some kind of hole inside us... it's easy to think a child or a car or a house or anything can fill us... but that's not really how it works. We have to make ourselves whole - fill the hole on our own - that's where the truth lies and sometimes the truth gets ugly - but hey we were never promised a rose garden either now, were we?

Life can't be perfect and that's ok - I get that.... I don't mind the inclement weather that comes with life and with a relationship - the inclement weather really is the test to it all... you either cling to one another, a mutual support, a mutual brace, or you fold. One of you - or both for that matter - doesn't do his or her part, weakens the support, and the whole (ahhh that word) thing falls apart. It can't constantly be one person carrying the load... sometimes it's one, sometimes it's the other and sometimes it's both.... It's a give and take, a ying/yang thing. It's an acknowledgement of the little things, it's an awareness of those things that make us unique and special - it's seeing more in a person than what's on the surface and it's accepting that - all of it - the good and the bad, the endearing and the annoying, it's compromising and acquiescing - it's malleable and mutable - which brings me to cherish... that pretty little word...

Words reflect feelings - I see the word cherish, I say it, I hear it and it feels light and soft and pure - it feels warm and protective - it's not ostentatious or showy... it's not placed on a shelf to be observed. It's a word to hold and touch, feel and experience - and while it has an airy feel, a perceived fragility, it's not breakable - it's just meant to be held loosely, that's all... not grasped and clutched and clung to but held calmly cupped in a relaxed palm. Cherish is a secret smile, a knowing glance, an inviting look... cherish is knowing and accepting someone even if no one else knows it or gets it.

When my ex first started behaving more depressed and detached he started spending a lot of time at his boss's house on the lake - skiing, drinking, hanging out with people - women - and I later learned they would all ride around in the boat and commiserate... and two women especially would tell him that I was the cause of all his unhappiness. I was the problem... me. I wasn't this or I wasn't that - I was too this or too that - I was the problem and as difficult as it was he had to just accept that and I had to just accept that and move on... make his own happiness, do what made him happy... because it sure wasn't me. He sat there complacent - he let them say those things about me, never defended me, never declared me off limits... he just let people trash me. He sold me out.

Since then things have come flooding back at me - like movie flashbacks... all stuff I didn't realize or see at the time... but it all has made me very aware that he never really got me, appreciated who I was, cherished me to begin with... it all came down to one sentence he spoke to his first affair partner about me - "She's a good woman." What a slap in the face - but he thought it such the compliment and the fact he saw it as such makes it just, I don't know... laughable. That's what you say about someone you don't know well, it's a surface observation... and when you cherish someone it goes to the heart... it permeates and transcends the surface. To cherish someone is to appreciate the sacredness of all that person is, in his entirety... it's not about accepting hurt or bad behavior or abuse - it's about finding and valuing the beauty and love within someone else and being grateful and feeling blessed because it's seen in you too, that's all... that's all.