D-I-V-O-R-C-E

I have flashes of memories from when I was little - maybe that's normal... not sure... I have a terribly good memory - almost scary good sometimes but I don't usually share that fact with many people. I remember being younger than six and listening to a little record player as it played 45's by the Osmonds, I remember the Ford Fairlane my folks had - how it felt in the summer heat and what it smelled like and what my brother's little car seat looked like. My mom was huge into 50's music... she had records of the Platters she would play and I can still remember some of the words to their biggest hits. She also listened to country music, but this was 60's country music - Conway Twitty, Dolly Parton, Waylon and Willie - and I remember the song Tammy Wynette sang about divorce... "My d-i-v-o-r-c-e became final today...." I can remember being in that car and hearing that song on the radio... such a long long time ago.

And now here I am - 42... divorced... starting life over and it's hard... God it sucks being alone. At this point in my life it should be easier. I should be looking forward to slowing down - one kid's almost gone, another a teenager... this should be the point in my life when I have the time and the energy to put into another person, time and energy to put into me... and it's not happening. Instead I am left trying to figure out how to fix everything - make it all right - take care of everyone and everything. And life just ain't cooperating... damn - don't you hate it when that happens? It's September and I am thinking about the potential trip to NYC for daughter and dance, Christmas presents, the cost of recital costumes, tuition and text books and meal plans for spring 09, about finding a way to make it all work... and now I don't even have a selfish little alternate world for me... that dissipated some many months ago. I loved being able to escape temporarily into this other life - this other world that was exciting and passionate and nothing like I'd ever known... and yet it all crumbled... POOF! Gone in the blink of an eye - and not that I thought it was a lifetime thing - not that I thought he was the one... but I at least thought he was the one for right then... yet he's moved on... sorta... new girlfriend - yet he still turns to me for some reason... to prove something to himself maybe - I really don't know... really can't quite figure it out. And stupid me, I still answer the phone. But a day will come when I won't and I know this... I've told him this and I don't think he believes me - but I know myself and at some point a day will come and I'll see the name on the phone calling and I'll just put the phone down without answering it and that will be that - done... another chapter in my life finished... one chapter closer to the end. But I digress.

So as I was saying, here I am at at 42 - I don't want back what I had - the marriage is gone, over, dead and I am ok with that... it sure beats the lie I was living. So now I am trying to learn to live alone - with myself (and the kids but that's not the same) - singularly. It's not fun, not for the faint at heart and I see so many of my friends, people in the same position, jumping into relationships quickly - terrified of being alone, terrified of losing anymore time, terrified of the silence in their own heads. It sucks being alone... just sucks... and I find I'm trying not to fight the "sound of silence," I'm working hard to become comfortable with it. A really brilliant person said to me part of the problem we face when a marriage ends and we find ourselves alone is if we got married young (which I did) we never had a chance to really define who we are on our own first before sharing ourselves with someone else. Very wise words I think - I guess now I'm trying to define who I am - picking up almost where I left off 21 years ago. I wonder if it would have been easier to have done it then? It sure isn't easy right now. But it's good to be on my own... to figure this out without adding another to the mix - it's a smart thing really. So for now it's me... all me... all the time... and perhaps when the time is right I'll meet someone whose time is right too.

I keep reminding myself I am divorced... divorced, divorced, divorced. I say the word trying to be comfortable in the coat of divorce... I am no longer trying it on for size - it's what I wear now, I purchased it, paid for it with my heartache and tears - but I can't let it be what defines me. It can't be my "signature" piece or "signature" color - it's only an accessory... one little silver charm on the ever growing charm bracelet chronicling my life. It's part of me, part of my history, forever a chapter in my story. It took me a long time to get it, to understand why and how it happened - not an easy lesson to learn - but I've gotten it, I think. I've got the kids, and they are doing well... my family has been very supportive - supportive beyond my wildest dreams... I have great friends here at home - some really wonderful gals - sometimes we laugh and sometimes we bitch but we're always kind to each other (and maybe they'll succeed in setting my up with that good looking single dad - wink). I've made some good friends in cyberspace - a support group of people who've had the same struggles I've had and their insight has been invaluable. I've rediscovered writing and music... maybe soon other things will follow too, gardening maybe. I feel blessed in so many ways... and I try to focus on that when difficult moments engulf me. What does that old Billie Holliday song say? God bless the child that's got his own... maybe that's the whole point... getting it on my own... being on my own. Grandma always said, "God never gives ya more than you can handle." Many a time I thought the old woman was batty... but maybe she was right.