I was going to say I would refrain from linking something in this entry but ya know, I'm not gonna make any promises - promises always come back to bite someone in the ass, don't they -sometimes it's the promisor, sometimes the promisee, but always someone... so I won't promise 'cause in truth I've not had lots of luck with promises - we'll make this a promise free zone. I'm the Belle of this here Ball after all and I have the password and the tiara to prove it. So anyway, this morning I was getting ready for church, the house quiet since daughter was picked up by grandfather for Sunday school. Of course my mind is working the whole time - thinking - because for a moment, just a tiny moment, I'm alone with myself and I can follow a thought to some semblance of an end. It's a rare and beautiful thing, being able to do that, and my mind gets giddy with the possibilities - but for some reason I settled on a thought I'd had two years ago after the ex left and the mind kinda stayed there. The thought was about suicide. Now wait - no need to call a hot line or anything - no need to panic. I'll explain...
It was hard after he left... really hard, because I knew that was it - I knew it would never go back to anything resembling a marriage again. I figured he might come back, he might try to eventually pick up the mess of a dysfunctional marriage and keep going... never really making it better, never really attempting to clear the clutter left behind by all the pain, just maybe play "pretend it never happened" and if you knew him you'd probably agree with me. For a moment I thought maybe I could do that too - pretend - because the alternative was something I just couldn't wrap my mind around... he, of course, had no long term plan, no real goal in any of it. He just thought by leaving me he was somehow being honorable because he was screwing around behind my back. Using ex logic, if he left me he wouldn't have to tell me about it and then I wouldn't know... he'd be saving me - saving me ha!- and it would all be ok because after all he would have left - he would have made the sacrifice and in his mind that made it all justifiable... ya see? Neat and tidy. It's really twisted, the ex logic, because he portrayed himself as willingly taking the bad guy role (even though he didn't believe he was), falling on the sword by being the one to pull the plug on a loveless marriage - in reality though I think he saw it as a naturally progressive thing... we'd grown apart and he just didn't love me anymore... he felt he was doing me a favor. Gee thanks - whatever helps you screw your skank with a clear conscience. (oh did I type that? sorry....)
So here I'm left, what do I do? And I have people telling me what I should do, and people lying to me, and kids who need me and I couldn't think... I couldn't fathom what my next step would be - all I knew was I had to go to work and I had to feed the kids and I had to pay the bills and I had to make sure nothing was disrupted. I had to _______ (fill in the blank). I couldn't see the future, I just couldn't imagine it, and that's when the idea formed inside my head - back in the dark recesses where people don't like to even admit exist, the place we don't tell other people about... this seedy little idea whispered in a hushed voice, "you could kill yourself." And my mind stopped cold in its tracks and thought, "yeah. I could." But logical mind said, "nah, you can't... think of the kids, think of the pain, too much work yet to do... you're all they have." And logical mind was right. Logical mind is sensible, she doesn't just jump into things, no spontaneously silly stuff for her, no sir. But that voice lurking in the shadows whispered again, "ok... but... once you did that, once you had the girl off on a life of her own... you could do it then." And I thought, "yeah... I could, couldn't I?" And that was that. I kept that thought... I didn't take it any farther than that... I had no plan, no method, no definitive date - just the idea - and whenever I felt like I couldn't go on, couldn't keep up the pace and the face I would walk to that dark alley where seedy idea hung out and listen for the voice and he'd whisper to me... and he'd reminded me there was an end point... a finish line.... Yeah Yeah.... the ultimate: a permanent solution to a temporary problem... yeah gotcha... logical mind knew this but seedy idea shouted, "shut up!" and seedy idea won - for a while... but eventually logical mind took over again and those thoughts became fewer and fewer and I didn't need to seek that comforting idea anymore - it was folly and I knew that.
Now my latest plan has been this: when daughter goes to college (in five years) I will join a convent. This makes people laugh - the idea of me in a convent wearing a nun's habit - there have even been naughty comments made about it... suggestive comments, I really have no idea why (wink wink) but hey... I'm all for making someone smile - but it occurred to me this morning while rambling around inside my mind that the convent gig would be no different than the suicide gig - it's just a matter of semantics. I don't mean that being a nun would be so horribly painful I'd just as soon be dead but I do think being a nun would require me to disregard and essentially kill off certain parts of me that make me, in essence, me - and I don't just mean sex... although I'd really like to do that again at some point in my life. What I long for though really requires the freedom to form connections with other people, to form, hopefully, perhaps one day, a lasting, loving connection with another person. I couldn't do that as a nun... but the nun thing is a better idea to retreat to than the suicide one... so maybe I'm learning... moving forward just a tiny bit at a time... who knows - I could just be full of crap. I also wonder if they'd let me wear the tiara at the convent? That right there could be a deal breaker 'cause I do so love to wear that tiara - I'm serious... if you don't believe me ask the ladies at the dance studio. Oh - and remember I made no promises.... lol... the song is what I was going for so disregard the goofy video footage – unless, of course, Xena Warrior Princess does it for you - and if that's the case who am I to judge?
It was hard after he left... really hard, because I knew that was it - I knew it would never go back to anything resembling a marriage again. I figured he might come back, he might try to eventually pick up the mess of a dysfunctional marriage and keep going... never really making it better, never really attempting to clear the clutter left behind by all the pain, just maybe play "pretend it never happened" and if you knew him you'd probably agree with me. For a moment I thought maybe I could do that too - pretend - because the alternative was something I just couldn't wrap my mind around... he, of course, had no long term plan, no real goal in any of it. He just thought by leaving me he was somehow being honorable because he was screwing around behind my back. Using ex logic, if he left me he wouldn't have to tell me about it and then I wouldn't know... he'd be saving me - saving me ha!- and it would all be ok because after all he would have left - he would have made the sacrifice and in his mind that made it all justifiable... ya see? Neat and tidy. It's really twisted, the ex logic, because he portrayed himself as willingly taking the bad guy role (even though he didn't believe he was), falling on the sword by being the one to pull the plug on a loveless marriage - in reality though I think he saw it as a naturally progressive thing... we'd grown apart and he just didn't love me anymore... he felt he was doing me a favor. Gee thanks - whatever helps you screw your skank with a clear conscience. (oh did I type that? sorry....)
So here I'm left, what do I do? And I have people telling me what I should do, and people lying to me, and kids who need me and I couldn't think... I couldn't fathom what my next step would be - all I knew was I had to go to work and I had to feed the kids and I had to pay the bills and I had to make sure nothing was disrupted. I had to _______ (fill in the blank). I couldn't see the future, I just couldn't imagine it, and that's when the idea formed inside my head - back in the dark recesses where people don't like to even admit exist, the place we don't tell other people about... this seedy little idea whispered in a hushed voice, "you could kill yourself." And my mind stopped cold in its tracks and thought, "yeah. I could." But logical mind said, "nah, you can't... think of the kids, think of the pain, too much work yet to do... you're all they have." And logical mind was right. Logical mind is sensible, she doesn't just jump into things, no spontaneously silly stuff for her, no sir. But that voice lurking in the shadows whispered again, "ok... but... once you did that, once you had the girl off on a life of her own... you could do it then." And I thought, "yeah... I could, couldn't I?" And that was that. I kept that thought... I didn't take it any farther than that... I had no plan, no method, no definitive date - just the idea - and whenever I felt like I couldn't go on, couldn't keep up the pace and the face I would walk to that dark alley where seedy idea hung out and listen for the voice and he'd whisper to me... and he'd reminded me there was an end point... a finish line.... Yeah Yeah.... the ultimate: a permanent solution to a temporary problem... yeah gotcha... logical mind knew this but seedy idea shouted, "shut up!" and seedy idea won - for a while... but eventually logical mind took over again and those thoughts became fewer and fewer and I didn't need to seek that comforting idea anymore - it was folly and I knew that.
Now my latest plan has been this: when daughter goes to college (in five years) I will join a convent. This makes people laugh - the idea of me in a convent wearing a nun's habit - there have even been naughty comments made about it... suggestive comments, I really have no idea why (wink wink) but hey... I'm all for making someone smile - but it occurred to me this morning while rambling around inside my mind that the convent gig would be no different than the suicide gig - it's just a matter of semantics. I don't mean that being a nun would be so horribly painful I'd just as soon be dead but I do think being a nun would require me to disregard and essentially kill off certain parts of me that make me, in essence, me - and I don't just mean sex... although I'd really like to do that again at some point in my life. What I long for though really requires the freedom to form connections with other people, to form, hopefully, perhaps one day, a lasting, loving connection with another person. I couldn't do that as a nun... but the nun thing is a better idea to retreat to than the suicide one... so maybe I'm learning... moving forward just a tiny bit at a time... who knows - I could just be full of crap. I also wonder if they'd let me wear the tiara at the convent? That right there could be a deal breaker 'cause I do so love to wear that tiara - I'm serious... if you don't believe me ask the ladies at the dance studio. Oh - and remember I made no promises.... lol... the song is what I was going for so disregard the goofy video footage – unless, of course, Xena Warrior Princess does it for you - and if that's the case who am I to judge?
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