Sunday of Love

So there we have it - the last Sunday in Advent, no more counting to do. I'm sitting in the living room, Christmas Vacation playing, yet again, on the television, the tree lights blinking, tapping on my laptop. The kids are playing Wii down the hall and I just took some bliss bars out of the oven. The house smells good, the furnace is working (for now) and all is right with the world.

The service guy came out and checked on the furnace again and has decided the circuit board is shot and is working on getting us another one sometime soon. Until then he has the heat working for the moment and I just pray it holds out a while longer. It got cold this morning but we made due and managed. Kind of reminded me of those years on the farm - my dad, for some reason, got into the whole "farm family, roughing it" lifestyle and we heated the house with a buck stove and kerosene heaters. It wasn't fun. But I sure do appreciate a warm house now.

It's been a long time since I've felt this at ease - especially during the holidays. I have the majority of my shopping done, just a few last minute items to work on and I can do all that in one fell swoop Monday or Tuesday. Everything is just falling into place holiday wise. I don't stress anywhere near like I used to... I feel like there is more time, more opportunity, more something and the whys don't really matter as much as the appreciation that I have for it.

It is the Sunday of Love and I'm kicking myself because during church there was the most beautiful recitation during the lighting of the Advent candle. It was about love - about recognizing love, about accepting love, about giving love. It was so well phrased and I put it in the recycle bin at church. Sheesh. It's funny that this was the way it was worded this morning because when I was in the shower, getting ready for Sunday School, I was thinking about love, thinking about me and I had an epiphany of sorts. I realize to say "I love you" to another person right now would be a very difficult thing for me to do, even if I knew someone, even if I were seeing someone. There is a huge distrustful part of me - not a big surprise considering what I've been through. I'm very comfortable giving, it's an easy thing for me to do. I'm a thoughtful person, I notice things and I tend to make mental notes for no other reason than it's my nature.

Receiving anything, now that's another story. It makes me uncomfortable if I'm honest... and the few times I've let my guard down enough to enjoy the gifts of time and attention, it's always seemed to have bitten me square on the ass. I've learned not to rely on people, I've learned not to believe what I'm told. What's bizarre though is this, at the same time I'm not believing anything I'm told I'm believing everything I'm told. Sick I know.

This is something for me to work on - this love thing. Somewhere along the way I have to discover a way to allow myself to be loved. It's been a huge first step learning to love myself - and perhaps that's how it happens, ya know? Perhaps after we love ourselves, learn to be kind to ourselves, learn to treat ourselves as important and worthy creatures, then that's when we can allow other's to do it also. Perhaps? So this is love, the Sunday of Love - and as Christmas fast approaches I am reminded of the power and presence of love... its beauty and glory - and I pray one day I am blessed enough to give it and receive it.

FYI - the furnace is out - I went to the store and bought a little space heater to take the chill off the morning - geeze... :-) and should you get the opportunity check out this movie - The Ultimate Gift.